Light

As I wander through this darkness I think back and I wonder...
I think of the times when I came out into the light.
The times when everything was bright.
During those times I was happy, I was glad to be where I was.
Things seemed right and my memories of the darkness started to fade.
I thought that I could stay in the light, that I could be happy.
Those times brought me such joy.
But now in the darkness again I remember the way it always ended.
Sometimes the light slowly faded and I didn't even notice until it was gone.
Other times it went out like a broken bulb, just that fast,
and I was left wondering what had happened.
I wonder if my life might have been better if I had never seen the light.
Those were the best times I’ve ever had
but when I’m forced to return to the dark it seems so much worse every time.
Maybe the light is just put there to punish me for some unknown sin.
Maybe it's just an illusion meant to torment me.
I don't know. I think that it might be better to just try to avoid it.
If I get the chance to see it coming,
just hide in the darkness, pull it around me and hide.
The dark isn't that bad when you get used to it.
But whenever I come back from the light it feels like death.
Then after a while it starts to feel right, almost normal.
I think that the darkness is the way it is supposed to be.
That I’m just fooling myself thinking I can stay in the light.
The darkness is where I’m from and so I guess it's where I’m supposed to stay.
I will walk this darkness, I will make it my world.
I will just stay here, alone, in the dark.
Where I’m meant to be...

No One Knows

No one will ever know the extent of all this pain I have bottled up inside. A love once thought of as lost ... torn from my grasp as tragedy ripped the heart from the chest of the concerned and worried. The few people who sympathize and say they can relate are the world’s best liars ... when their attention is diverted from you and your problems, any trace of sympathy is impossible if detectable at all.

Many nights I lie awake, my dying heart crying out for that one person. The person who will dry my tears with unrestrainable devotions of love shouted at a volume that shatters the night sky. The one who has a cloud-like touch that will never scar as do the talons that hold me to this overbearing pattern that I consider to be a life. It’s obvious, in the real world; no one cares about anyone else. I know I’m alone and I’m learning to cope.

I Understand

Staring into the mirror, Focus blurred, Coming undone
Faces staring back at me, Screaming, Streaming
Rain falling, Trails in front of me, Totally insane
Bottle of pills, Self medicating, Face changing
Feeling of solitude, Becoming numb, Drainage
Misusing, Still abusing, Pacing, Thoughts racing
Hearing voices in my head, Telling me what to do
Feeling insane, Can't sleep
I need help, Mentally ill, Sickened
Empty inside, Bleeding, My head exploding
Fucked up, Looking through sad eyes
Always hopeless, Just wanting to belong
Casting away, Fear subsiding, Disappearing
The way I choose to be gets darker everyday
Scared of myself, Waiting to be free
Life is impossible, Thoughts of suicide...Won't understand
Can't erase them, Disappointment
I am falling and crawling, Won't be okay
Insecure thoughts, Feeling ugly, The hole I dug for myself
I believe my own lies, Hateful, Deception
Hidden from the world, Crushing, Snorting, Burning
Pouring out my insides, No trust left, Forsaken me
I am the problem, I am the problems
Blood on the walls, Death calls
Self cutting, Slicing deeper, Bleeding, Bleeding
Horrible life of abuse, Fighting, Screaming, Beating
I am twisted, Crashing and burning, No strength
Changing every second, Can't take control
Cutting deeper, Waiting for you to save me
All fucked up, Sick of life, My pain will never end
Commiserating, As I waste away, Killing my insides
Too many excuses
All I lived for was to be loved, Now I'm coming undone
Feeling worthless, Getting more hopeless, and restless
The lies, My sickness, Weakened, Self hatred
Running away from my past, Erasing memories
Disdain, Wasting my time, In my mind it lies
Never perfect, Disarray, I don't care!
Never to be loved
My pain kills, This is how it feels
Depression, Nobody cares, Blown away
Sick of this, Your oblivious, Never caring
Seeing death, Forsaking, My only cure, This I am sure
Mentally sick, Trying to stay awake
I hate myself, Delirious
I am not like you, I will never be like you
Taken for granted, Unspoken, and broken
Becoming unbearable, Wanting to die
Nightmares taking over my thoughts
Never to be free...Only I can see...What’s to become of me